have been wanting to come online de but no time in the past week.. have been another tiring week and not so gd wk for me too.. =( it all started on mon.. forget abt the physics mock spa, forget abt the maths test, forget abt all the tutorials which is not done and forget abt all the lectures and lessons tt i have missed and lag behind so much.. have no mood to do anything else actually.. it has been quite a long time since i sit down properly to do my work.. =X

wasted last sun morn to go pray and at night go watch aj rehearsal.. hmm.. how shld i put it.. the conductor praised them so much so overall it was a bit under expectation i guess.. but they were fairly gd and gt quite some points we must learn from them.. gt scam by sl say gt section dinner but end up dun have.. well.. ate with some random co ppl at lau pa sa in the end.. a bit awkward though.. =/

here comes mon.. terrible one.. walking home tt time 2 section mates came to stand beside me.. thought they so nice wan to talk to me.. but actually they couldn't break the news to me.. they were so tun tun tu tu.. wadever.. i am smart and sensitive enough to guess tt.. how shld i put it.. was overcome with mixed feelings, emotions.. but i was strong.. since tt incident, i told myself tt it is never ever going to happen agn.. and yes i managed to control myself.. was a bit pissed off, somewhat upset and indignant to the matter at first.. but i think its natural k..

pissed tt they are so po ma and have already decided yet still asking me for my opinion when i have no say at all.. :@ it only makes me think worse of u guys and the way u handle things.. always being so suspicious.. wadever..
upset, disappointed is because of the lost in trust in me.. always say tt i have no confidence in myself yet its actually u guys having no faith in me at all! isn't tt right? if not why like tt? but on the other hand, maybe i shld say tt its myself, my own fault.. so much more disappointed in myself.. maybe it is tt i am not able to let others have confident in me.. too uncertain, too much fluctuations? oh well.. no matter how hard i have tried, how much i may think i have improved, how much i effort i put in and how much confident and positive thinking i have been telling myself, it has all come to an end, to a naught.. i can't blame them.. but i just feel a bit pitiful and ke xi.. its a rare opportunity and there it goes.. although the process can be very stressful but still i treasure it tt its going to be my last one, last time and i will give it all.. just tt there is no more.. being always reminded of the past.. how wonderful tt kind of feeling can be when u do it right.. gone.. haizz..... nvm..
i am still learning to think positive.. learning and trying my best to let it go, and yes i am understanding k.. i understand the need for the change and i accept it.. i have to anyway.. maybe its a blessing in disguise? maybe u can say tt i am much more relax now, no need stress and scared for syf already.. since there is nothing to worry abt.. so yea.. no more burden anymore.. but i created stress for the other party? dun think so lah.. she will enjoy it and can do it one.. i am just not up to it.. wadever crap is tt to ask me to play for the concert, i am not going to do it.. the feelings will be different and gone.. =(
conductor "praised" me for my act.. well.. i am not so noble.. not so strong and emotionless.. afterall i am just a normal human being who yearns to strive for the best too.. nvm.. i am still trying to get over it.. just need some time just like how much time i have put in to try to get it right.. i just feel like crying tt day.. the more the conductor say to do our best, and those motivation talks to encourage us, the worse i feel.. only upset abt myself.. incapable..

a band friend of mine has the same kind of problem as me.. =X she is super upset too.. and i understand totally with her... think she just needs time too just like me.. yupp.. stay strong!

tues was rehearsal at SCH, glad to see some vj friends there! =) makes me slightly happier.. haha.. lol.. but well, we screw up our rehearsal when syf is just a wk away with aj ppl watching us somemore.. =X but cause of this and the following week syf, will be missing a lot of lessons! will miss 2 maths and 2 chem lectures! oh no! how to catch up? =/ oh well.. no time to think abt tt too.. dun care.. next tues econ lecture test i dun plan to study also..

just an update on the current syf.. haven been doing well for our sch.. =( guitar one was shocking and chamber wasn't really gd too..i feel sad for them also.. hope it wun happen to us.. worried..

4 days left.. first time i am not feeling too much or excited abt it..

okie.. just here to say i am really very proud of AHSCO! they did it! GOLD! =D so happy for them! hahaa.. the juniors really rocks! a bit regretted can't go down to watch their performance.. =( but just heard their recording and its really gd! xD they play with their HEART! tt's the thing tt stands out and win others.. its really touching to hear them play.. just like how we used to do tt.. feng nian ji, xing kong... these memories are still very vivid in my mind and heart.. i am trying very hard to search back that feeling.. how i used to feel for the music and put my heart in there.. i think its gone now.. i can't really feel it now.. =X its the music, the feel and not the skills..
(quite a lot of gwh this year.. 11 out of ard 70 schs i think.. o.O some were a bit shocking.. )

anyway, this is a tiring and slack week.. haven been doing any tutorial or hw.. =X zzZzZzzz.. i think its going to continue for another week or so.. wed we only had 2 lectures and then there was a career fair/talks going ard for the j2s.. =) so it was quite slack.. went to the hall and gt some info and freebies.. haha.. some super funny stuffs happen.. lol! =D

fri went to a dizi concert with my section.. erm... consider an outing? not much bonding though.. we gt lost/dunno our way there and miss 1/3 of the concert.. the concert was quite gd.. 2 pro dizi players from nafa.. stunning.. i think it makes me feel worse more and inferior only lor.. =X its suppose to be motivating! it seems tt ever since i became 'stronger', i lose my feel/passion/hope etc wadever tt is for co le.. concerts used to be motivating leh.. scoldings or encouragement used to spur me on and give me confidence too.. but its has gone now! where is it? =( today, sat, we were either tired or dunno wad happen but everything is just quite bad.. hopefully things get better and not worse as the days come nearer..

going SCH tml night to watch aj rehearsal... hope theres some use.. will be missing my tv show! =( guitar's syf on tues.. very scary and can feel the nervous for them too.. wish them luck.. having physics mock spa skill A on mon and i think i am going to flunk it cause i have no time no idea wad to do.. good luck to me den!

oh well.. i am here agn talking abt co... hahaa.. i bet my friends are tired of these but still its my only way to vent out anything or say truefully my opinion.. first of all, really really a big big thanks to all my friends who have been encouraging me so far!! and most of them are my sec sch friends who have been so supportive.. x) very touched to see tt.. greatly appreciate them for their efforts! haha.. love them lots! =D and also my classmates who cheer me up in class with their highness and songs and laughter! esp yvonne! lol! =)

on the contradictory.. wadever ppl in there say just make me feel worse only.. i dunno why but yea.. u guys dun really get my problem lah.. i think it will make some pissed off when i say they dun understand but indeed it is mah.. different issues we are refering to.. =X i dun mean the stress or problems i am having for playing tt damn solo part but the feeling when inside there.. uneasiness, awkward, separated, left out, alone, loss etc.. not tt u can understand because u dun face such a problem right? nvm.. u wun see this anyway..

well, how shld i put it, there has been a significant improvement after this intensive whole wk practice.. but still we are not up to the expected standard yet.. risky risky.. seems like our conductor is in a pretty gd mood or at least not bad mood this week cause he nv scold ppl.. neither did anyone else.. started recording also but it turns out not so nice leh.. still in pieces of music but not coherent.. anway, dance kicked off the performing arts syf season.. they gt gold but was not happy abt it.. i just realised tt getting a gold in jc syf is very common and so everyone wan to strive towards gwh.. hard hard.. =X

congrats to ahchoir tt gt gwh! whoo~! hahaa.. wishing all the best for ahco! quite a pity i can't go back and watch them perform! but i will be back later to give my moral support! jia you ahsco! =D

dead tired as usual everyday when i reach home.. feel restless and no mood to work.. so ended up struggling with the tutorials and lectures cause keep dozing off.. =/ haiz.. going through the tough times and i am hating it right now but i am sure, i believe i will definitely miss them..

wad a bad day.. sucks man.. hate it.. disappointed.. loss.. no words can descibe how i feel today.. anyway, i apologise for my stupid behaviour.. first time in tj and it is terrible.. this better be the last.. full of regrets yet uncontrollable.. dun understand nvm.. dun ask.. ='( i will be stronger.. i hope.. =(

had wanted to rant out a lot of things abt damn stupid co de.. !@#*!@# nvm.. just a note to all my friends.. i can't attend anymore gatherings on weekdays or even weekend anymore! ='(( its the saddest thing man.. unless on sun, den my only day of rest will be gone.. =X cause we are having intensive training everyday till 9pm! and early on sat morning.. wadever! indeed we are bad and not up to standard yet, indeed we need more practices, indeed we can't afford to lose, indeed we wan to achieve gwh.. but at such an extent? tt we are not allow to study, we cannot concentrate on studies or hw, or i shld say we are not able to even do tt.. have to sacrifice EVERYTHING else for this whole month.. i have nothing to say, i have no right or not in the position to day anything also.. so wadever! i can understand the rationale behind this, but just tt pls lah, the main problem is tt nobody is bonded together, except u guys and u are expecting all of us to be able to really throw away everything else? furthermore, using those harsh words and methods to treat us like small kids will only make us worse and not bonded together right? like tt how can u expect the music to be nice and as a whole? no matter how hard u try, it will be useless.. but for some others, even if their skills and standard not as gd, but if all of them feel for their own orchestra, then they will be of a much higher standard than something without the core.. haiz.. it doesn't matter..

i just need to do my best.. i tried.. i attempt to.. i fear.. i need to overcome.. but this responsiblilty is just too huge to carry.. i dun wan to be blamed.. i dun wan to spoil the music.. say wadever u wan, wadever u think, i rather not have the solo... but i gt no choice.. they gave me no choice.. i have to do it no matter wad.. i will try.. i will do my best.. the rest is up to luck and waiting for miracles to happen.. say wadever u can, easier said than done..

2009: going through this alone painfully.. :(

this worse this syf is going to be, the more i remember the last one.. with glory although others may not think so or even despise us.. but i will always feel proud of ahsco! i rmb we were not very gd.. but we were in it together.. really together as a whole.. our music is not perfect but we could all feel the music running through us.. really.. we feel for the music.. xD i think tt earn us a big big credit for our gold.. ppl always say tt the judging was less strict tt day.. but who cares? we still achieve tt anyway! =) there was a solo too for the set piece.. my tempo was horrible but constantly, i have nice and encouraging reminders from my friends all ard me and my sweets juniors cheering me up and on.. it was stressful.. definitely but somehow tt kind of feeling turns positive and spur me on instead.. the whole co was worried for me till even tt day, lin lao shi is super nice and din give me extra pressure.. =) i guess tt helps.. and fortunately i did it well! =D real glad to hear tt some of them even feel touched by the music.. haha.. well.. see how the difference is?? 2007: going through with appreciation though stressfully.. =) its a taste of sweetness and bitterness.. "one family, one heart, one ahsco" pls carry this kind of tradition on k? no matter how far u guys can go and wad u all can get, always rmb wad lin lao shi says: i don't care about the results, its the process that is more important! i guess this is the crucial part and why we always will word even harder towards tt goal.. :)

conclusion: its the difference in environment, attitude and treatment of ppl, plus the friends in there (which currently i have none to really really talk to in tt scary place) tt will make a huge difference..

okie.. i said i wun talk abt it but ended up blurt everything out also.. nvm.. its too long anyway for anyone to read also.. so it doesn't matter wad i said.. nobody will know and understand it anyway.. can't expect me to say all these out directly in ur face.. i am not a very outspoken person..

shall just end off with something else besides just co which is taking up my whole life now.. and giving me additional troubles and stress.. have not been listening to lectures and tutorials too.. falling asleep very often and can't control it.. =( haiz.. whose fault? nvm.. my prob anyway..

on a lighter note, just to say thanks for the asg dinner on thurs night! xD it always cheer me up no matter wad! although not many ppl went but still.. =D just tt i reach so late.. hahaa.. thanks to jt and socks for the bag too! :) and 1 last thing.. abt pw results.. tj din do tt well this yr.. only abt 50% distinction.. well.. naturally will feel disappointed after putting in so much effort but hope they can cheer up k! was quite upset tt day after seeing quite some of my friends crying so badly.. as for myself, i love tj050! credits to nivia for everything and leonard for being a wonderful leader.. =)

did alright for chem and maths, felt tt i could have done better but satisfied cause i expected it worse.. so yea.. physics was as usual terrible cause everyone else did quite gd and the paper is considered relatively easy.. =( well.. just upset with myself.. but considering i pass, like on the dot, this time round, shld i feel overjoyed like wad others think i shld be? or i am just making up a fuss like wad u all say? wadever lah! :@

had chem spa this week on thurs.. it went alright as in i gt the product but quite messy.. finally skill B is over! phew..

fri had sports day.. hmm.. the running and prize giving part is so boring.. but cheerleading was not bad.. hahaa.. all yvonne's idea for bringing in the indian element into cheerleading and it made it so hilarious.. =) i think beta one is the most creative and funny one but too messy already so yea, gamma won in the end! gamma won the overall championship also! :D

there was tuition twice this week and i was late.. =x got scolded for being late.. haiz.. everytime also din wan to go lor.. but no choice had to drag myself there no matter wad.. =( hope it will help me.. but now it is currently making me lose my freedom, my happiness and also a lot of other things.. ='((((

had co for whole week.. getting into the intensive training cause left only 1 month and yet we are still in quite a bad state.. but one thing lucky is tt we gt a better off slot than some other schs.. its going to be a tough fight this year.. there is dhs, hwa chong one after another one.. going to be a challenging one.. ours in the morning and it feels very nervous.. =/ okie.. maybe the pressure is gd? tues our conductor got pissed off by us and left suddenly.. its soooooo scary lor! wahh... first time in history man! he is disappointed and tt make it worse cause if he lose hope in us den we are a gone case.. =( had a scolding tt day by sy and it scared all most us cause he suddenly shouted.. =X i feel afraid for the syf.. its just too much responsibilty to carry cause u will be blamed if u dun do well or cause the whole co to not get the results they wan.. despite putting in the effort, its just no use.. no use.. no use.. =( i dun wan to be the one being blamed.. =( i really fear for tt day to come.. how?

initially had duathalon cip de, but somehow i always din get chosen for such events while the rest did.. =( haiz.. but jr was sick and ask me to sub him and i stupidly rejected the nice offer by him, cause i was thinking i have prac the next day.. =( who knows all these effort to try to make it for the prac was not appreciated and was questioned instead.. so much so for being committed when i dun really have to.. some other ppl who shld be committed instead are not even doing so and ponning have the right to even scold us.. wadever! i know my skills sux and i am not a gd player but i tried my best.. but in there, tt's not wad they see and wad it matter.. u mean nothing to them! calling out to all juniors: pls dun throw urself into the pit if u are not gd enough for their standard or meet their expectation or not prepared to accept such kind of changes/situation.. otherwise, u will suffer like me.. =( hate it man! it just makes me lose heart and confident and will even more.. and worse at such a time nearing the syf.. i dunno how and i wonder.. =(