have been wanting to come online de but no time in the past week.. have been another tiring week and not so gd wk for me too.. =( it all started on mon.. forget abt the physics mock spa, forget abt the maths test, forget abt all the tutorials which is not done and forget abt all the lectures and lessons tt i have missed and lag behind so much.. have no mood to do anything else actually.. it has been quite a long time since i sit down properly to do my work.. =X

wasted last sun morn to go pray and at night go watch aj rehearsal.. hmm.. how shld i put it.. the conductor praised them so much so overall it was a bit under expectation i guess.. but they were fairly gd and gt quite some points we must learn from them.. gt scam by sl say gt section dinner but end up dun have.. well.. ate with some random co ppl at lau pa sa in the end.. a bit awkward though.. =/

here comes mon.. terrible one.. walking home tt time 2 section mates came to stand beside me.. thought they so nice wan to talk to me.. but actually they couldn't break the news to me.. they were so tun tun tu tu.. wadever.. i am smart and sensitive enough to guess tt.. how shld i put it.. was overcome with mixed feelings, emotions.. but i was strong.. since tt incident, i told myself tt it is never ever going to happen agn.. and yes i managed to control myself.. was a bit pissed off, somewhat upset and indignant to the matter at first.. but i think its natural k..

pissed tt they are so po ma and have already decided yet still asking me for my opinion when i have no say at all.. :@ it only makes me think worse of u guys and the way u handle things.. always being so suspicious.. wadever..
upset, disappointed is because of the lost in trust in me.. always say tt i have no confidence in myself yet its actually u guys having no faith in me at all! isn't tt right? if not why like tt? but on the other hand, maybe i shld say tt its myself, my own fault.. so much more disappointed in myself.. maybe it is tt i am not able to let others have confident in me.. too uncertain, too much fluctuations? oh well.. no matter how hard i have tried, how much i may think i have improved, how much i effort i put in and how much confident and positive thinking i have been telling myself, it has all come to an end, to a naught.. i can't blame them.. but i just feel a bit pitiful and ke xi.. its a rare opportunity and there it goes.. although the process can be very stressful but still i treasure it tt its going to be my last one, last time and i will give it all.. just tt there is no more.. being always reminded of the past.. how wonderful tt kind of feeling can be when u do it right.. gone.. haizz..... nvm..
i am still learning to think positive.. learning and trying my best to let it go, and yes i am understanding k.. i understand the need for the change and i accept it.. i have to anyway.. maybe its a blessing in disguise? maybe u can say tt i am much more relax now, no need stress and scared for syf already.. since there is nothing to worry abt.. so yea.. no more burden anymore.. but i created stress for the other party? dun think so lah.. she will enjoy it and can do it one.. i am just not up to it.. wadever crap is tt to ask me to play for the concert, i am not going to do it.. the feelings will be different and gone.. =(
conductor "praised" me for my act.. well.. i am not so noble.. not so strong and emotionless.. afterall i am just a normal human being who yearns to strive for the best too.. nvm.. i am still trying to get over it.. just need some time just like how much time i have put in to try to get it right.. i just feel like crying tt day.. the more the conductor say to do our best, and those motivation talks to encourage us, the worse i feel.. only upset abt myself.. incapable..

a band friend of mine has the same kind of problem as me.. =X she is super upset too.. and i understand totally with her... think she just needs time too just like me.. yupp.. stay strong!

tues was rehearsal at SCH, glad to see some vj friends there! =) makes me slightly happier.. haha.. lol.. but well, we screw up our rehearsal when syf is just a wk away with aj ppl watching us somemore.. =X but cause of this and the following week syf, will be missing a lot of lessons! will miss 2 maths and 2 chem lectures! oh no! how to catch up? =/ oh well.. no time to think abt tt too.. dun care.. next tues econ lecture test i dun plan to study also..

just an update on the current syf.. haven been doing well for our sch.. =( guitar one was shocking and chamber wasn't really gd too..i feel sad for them also.. hope it wun happen to us.. worried..

4 days left.. first time i am not feeling too much or excited abt it..